i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize