Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
