Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
