I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
