Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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