Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
