So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
