bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
is it fun? or sober?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
