Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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