see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
is wine microwaveable?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
