Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
