I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
it's great music for shaving your balls
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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