had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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