Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
