tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
