At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
