Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
