yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
