My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Everclear isn't food dammit
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
