I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize