The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
