somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
