My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
