no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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