Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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