and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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