proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize