Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
