So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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