i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
