I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
