next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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