i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
