if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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