I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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