nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
