laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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