When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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