I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
