When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
