The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
