I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
