After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
