So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
