2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
