it's not cheating when I paid for it
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
