yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
