someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
