im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
