dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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