I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize