My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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