I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
