Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
