So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
