When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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