are you still at the devil's house?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
