Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The Olympian is in my bed
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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