Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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