What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
