And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
