see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize